


The Thieves Who Stole the World

by joycestick



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 16:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16178582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joycestick/pseuds/joycestick
Summary: Akira Kurusu, Codename Joker, is the greatest agent of the Queen, the most valued asset to her rebel intelligence organization. He is sent on a thrilling, globe trotting mission to unravel a web of intrigue. Thrown into danger like he has never known, he must track down The Empress of the World and stop her wicked, dastardly plot. Along the way, he discovers a shocking truth about his past...(Note: This is likely going to be my last fanfiction. A full update/explanation for my readers will be found inside.)





	1. The Grace of the Panther

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Shout Out To An Artist](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/421586) by The Crimson Compendium Project. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings, humans.
> 
> In the interest of complete transparency (and to make sure that certain people don't file bullshit reports on this), I should clarify that while the art linked to within this story is integral to the full experience of this narrative, NONE of it belongs to me, and as such I am NOT directly posting it within the text. I will only be linking to where the proper owners of the art have voluntarily uploaded it, of their own volition, without any direct influence to do so on my part. This falls in line with the "Copyright and Trademark" statute of AO3's [Terms of Service](https://archiveofourown.org/tos), which in part reads:
> 
> "Epigraphs and short quotations, including quotations from song lyrics and poetry, are allowed. Content that is set within or **draws on an existing work** is allowed. Reproductions of entire copyrighted works—whether songs, poems, transcripts, or other material—are not allowed without the consent of the copyright owner."
> 
> Since I am only linking to the copy of the work which already exists, and not reuploading it elsewhere for the purposes of this story, I am only drawing upon that EXISTING work, and not reproducing the work by making copies of it. You may find an album of all the relevant images, in their entirety, [here.](https://crimsoncomp.tumblr.com/post/175682535776/a-shout-out-to-an-artist)
> 
> In addition, should the staff of the Archive of Our Own be reading this, it must be clarified as well that, while I was told to never contact and never reference, nor use the works of, a certain three individuals who are also users of the Archive, the person who created this work upon which I am drawing is NOT one of those three other persons, and, to my knowledge, does not use and has never used the Archive.
> 
> For a more complete understanding of why this clarification is warranted, you may skip to the end of the last chapter of this fic.
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy the story, and the cover art which may be found here: https://66.media.tumblr.com/edc48813a6a4f430a38eccfd52965eb5/tumblr_inline_pbetcfZaSs1sg4dya_540.png
> 
> And the chapter art which may be found here. https://66.media.tumblr.com/6f4d85fd723dc7877a3df4914e9dc154/tumblr_inline_pbetjfjxKT1sg4dya_540.png

The blonde woman in the red dress giggled. “It seems we’ve captured you…”

“That’s correct,” the black-haired man with the glasses and clean, impressive suit agreed. “You’ve got me in your clutches, to do as you please. I take it you are the one they call ‘The Panther?’”

The woman beamed at the dashing gentleman spy. “Yes… I am she!” The Panther spoke with a refined British accent. “Apologies for my flawed Japanese, Mr…”

“Kurusu. Akira Kurusu.”

“Oh, my— I’ve heard of you!” A hysterical grin found its way onto the Panther’s perfect face. “Aha! We’ve got ourselves a big catch this time, girls! Akira Kurusu, Codename: Joker! You, the Queen’s greatest agent, tied to a wheelchair! It’s a riot!  _ HAHAHAHA! _ ”

“I’m more concerned about the disabled individual being denied a wheelchair, Miss Panther,” Akira shot back, subtly struggling against his bonds.

The Panther chuckled, and walked across her lavish bedroom in a rather elegant, sexy manner. As she reached the mirror, which was lined with bauble-like lightbulbs not unlike those you might find on the mirrors in a dressing room backstage, she turned back to wink at Akira. Then, she picked up a small tube of lipstick, and, looking in the mirror, slowly and gently applied it, taking care not to get any inside her mouth.

“I must say, Panther,” Akira informed his captress, “for a woman who’s restrained me so unceremoniously in a wheelchair, you have some terrific aesthetic sensibilities.” As best he could with his restrained limbs, the spy rolled the wheelchair forward. “It doesn’t smack much of a supervillain’s lair at all. Perhaps you had… another ambition?”

The Panther theatrically strolled in the other direction and kissed Akira, much to his surprise.

“Yes,” she replied, upon breaking said kiss, “I suppose I did once have a mind to go into theater— but alas, I was such a terrible actress. I could never land an audition for the life of me!”

“Well, you certainly had me fooled at that bar in London.” He was quick to remind the villainess of this, as it had been a memorable encounter indeed. “Perhaps you’d be able to chase that ambition now, with your current talents.”

“How optimistic of you.” The Panther took her captive’s chin in her hand and directed his face to establish direct eye contact. “What about you, Mr. Kurusu? Had you any dreams, ever, of being anything besides being such a handsome gentleman rogue?”

“Well…” Akira recalled, moving his hands, “You might be surprised, but I was once a thief.”

“A thief, you say? What brought you down that path?” She sat on his lap, eagerly awaiting the story.

“I had a partner in crime— Goro Akechi. You might know of him.”

“Oh yes! I understand that he was a spy, as well. Crow, was he?”

“The very same.” Akira moved his hands a little bit more. “Goro and I were brilliant thieves, only stealing from despicable, ruthless individuals. But on our biggest heist yet, we were framed for murder and sentenced to death by a woman of the law— Sae Niijima.”

“My, how exciting! And how did you get away?”

“I’m getting to that…”

* * *

The prison was a cold, gray, and hostile construction, confined to a remote island somewhere far off the coast of China. Few persons had ever breached its walls and returned in one piece. But for the man who now approached the front desk nonchalantly, as if checking into a hotel, such trivial statistics bore no significance.

“Greetings,” the stranger, who was wearing a long-nosed mask, said to the guard. “My name is Igor. I am pleased to make your acquaintance. I am here to speak with the thieves convicted of President Okumura’s murder.”

The guard narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Well, you can’t talk with ‘em! They’re too dangerous, and anyway, they’re being put to death tomorrow! Get the hell outta here, you weirdo!”

The masked stranger sighed, and pulled out a silenced pistol from his jacket pocket. “Geez… This never works…”

Before the guard had any chance to react, the masked man shot the security camera, dashed behind the desk, and lastly, silenced the alarm. Another quick maneuver to the unfortunate man’s spine, and he was out cold.

The figure removed their mask and coat and tossed it into the trash, uncovering a bold, masculine face and athletic build. He then hastily undressed the guard, before tossing him in a nearby closet. Putting on the uniform (which was far beyond his size), he disappeared into the prison’s dark halls.

* * *

“Yo.” The man in the guard uniform strolled down the sterile white hallway of the cell block, with no machine gun in his arms as all the rest had been seen holding.

“What do you want?” Akira asked, not looking up.

Goro Akechi rose from the cot eagerly. “Good day, sir! Have you come to rescue us?”

“Of course he hasn’t. Goro, why are you asking that every time a guard comes by? That’s just gonna get us a good kick in the face sooner or later.”

“I’ve come to rescue you.”

“Yeah, see what I mean— wait, WHAT?!” Akira immediately rose. “Then get us— Wait, who are you, anyway?”

The phony guard lifted his hat, revealing a grinning and mischievous blonde-haired face. “My friends call me ‘The Skull.’” He took a key from the stolen uniform and began fumbling with the lock. “And you guys are my friends!” There was a pleasing  _ click _ as the door opened.

“Very well.” Goro excitedly exited. “Pleased to meet you, Skull. It seems we had best make our escape at once!”

Akira was skeptical. “Why can’t you tell us your real name?”

“Because I’m a frickin’ secret agent!” Skull yelled at a not-so-secret volume. “Now just come on so we can get the hell outta here! The guards are gonna—”

A loud alarm suddenly went off, and footsteps began thundering through the halls.

_ “THERE’S AN INTRUDER IN THE PRISON! FIND AND KILL HIM AT ONCE!” _

“Akira!” Goro insisted. “We’ve got no choice but to follow this man! We’ll be killed otherwise!”

“But we don’t know who he is! What if he takes us somewhere we wouldn’t wanna be, dead or alive?”

“We’ll just have to take that chance—”

**_“STOP RIGHT THERE!”_ **

The three turned their heads, to see a large number of armed guards coming their direction.

Akira raised his hands in surrender. “It wasn’t my fault!”

“Jeez,” Skull groaned, “can’t a guy ever get a break?” He whisked off the stolen uniform, revealing an immaculate suit, then shot at the lights above.

Skull grabbed Goro’s hand, and Goro grabbed Akira’s. They rushed around the following corner, just narrowly dodging shots in the dark.

“The window!” As the escapees burst into the entryway, Skull blindly fired in the direction from which he had come. “Follow me, thieves!” Breaking the glass with a gunshot, he rushed and jumped out.

“Are you crazy?!” Akira yelled.

Goro all too eagerly followed the Skull.

Akira sighed, looking behind him at the approaching guards. He had no weapon…

Sighing, he dashed and leaped out the broken window. The sea was far below…

_ “AHHHHH!!!” _ Akira flailed his arms wildly as the sea at the island’s edge came rushing towards him…

_ BOING _

The reluctant escapee bounced a few feet up into the air, then fell back down again, and was safely caught by the Skull.

“I knew the inflatable raft would come in handy!” Skull said triumphantly, activating the motor. “Let’s go!”

“Where exactly are we going?” Goro inquired.

“I’m taking you to the Queen!”

Akira looked up, exhausted after the exhilarating escape.

“Who’s the Queen?”

* * *

_ “Skull!” _

The Queen was a slender brunette, who wore a neat blue suit and shiny black heels, sitting at a rather extravagant desk, in a rather plain office, piled high to the brim with paperwork. She appeared quite annoyed at the Skull.

“What else was I supposed to do? That stupid mask didn’t work!”

“The guard was supposed to understand the mask and let you in, and you were to escort the prisoners,  _ quietly _ , to the exit!”

“But he didn’t get it!”

Queen sighed. “I suppose he must have been replaced…”

“Wait, that wasn’t the plan?!” Akira was quite surprised. “But you were acting like it was supposed to happen that way!”

Goro shrugged. “We got out alive. I feel no need to object.”

“Well, whatever!” Skull shouted, frustrated. “Just forget it, Queen! I got ‘em, and we weren’t followed, ‘kay? Just explain it to them! I’m out!” He exited the office, slamming the door behind him.

“So…” Akira commented. “This place…”

“Is it an underground base of operations?” Goro inquired curiously.

“That’s correct,” Queen replied. “And it’s here that you’ve been given a second chance. You shall no longer need to live as thieves.”

“And what is this chance you’re offering us, Queen?” Akira inquired, narrowing his eyes.

“The chance to save this society,” Queen answered. “Should you accept this opportunity, from this day forth, you, Kurusu, are known as ‘Joker,’ and you, Akechi, ‘Crow!’”

“So…” Goro was rather puzzled. “You’re part of the government, Queen?”

“No… I’m nothing of the sort.” The Queen appeared appalled to be asked this. “The Japanese government, I’m afraid, is not effective. Tolerating, even sanctioning, injustice, and directly supporting the villains who promote it. Such injustice as… your execution sentence.”

Akira smiled. “So you agree that we were in the right, being thieves.”

“That I don’t.” Queen seemed cross. “You two are scoundrels. That said… I understand you had limited options in the way of fighting this corrupt society. I am able to afford you more options.” She gave the former thieves an impatient look. “So will you accept?”

“If we decline?” Goro asked.

“I can always send you back to prison to die.”

* * *

“And of course you said yes…”

“Naturally. And I’m glad I did… otherwise I’d have never met such a nice girl like you.”

“Oh, you’re a sweetheart!” The Panther laughed. “But don’t think flattery will get you out of that chair!”

“Oh, it doesn’t need to.”

“I beg your pardon?”

Akira headbutted the Panther, sending her flying, and flung forth his hands to untie the rope binding his legs. Within a moment, he stood up, enjoying sweet freedom.

“How did you do that?! My girls tied perfect knots!”

“I am a master at untying knots,” Akira answered with a sly smile. “The work of your little girls was child’s play, Miss Panther!”

“But… but…” Panther backed away, and hit an alarm button under her makeup table.  _ “GIRLS!” _ she screamed urgently. “Come at once!”

A swarm of beautiful models, wearing a wide variety of lingerie and swimsuits, with the occasional bunny outfit mixed in, suddenly entered the room. “How may we help, Panther?”

_ “KILL THE JOKER!” _ The Panther pointed at Akira, who only kept up his perpetual smirk.

“I don’t think you’ll find dispatching me all that easy,” he warned them. “I wouldn’t allow myself to suffer such a disgraceful fate as being done in by pretty girls like you!”

_ “KILL HIM!” _

“As you wish, Panther.” The girls all turned and each withdrew a knife before converging upon their target.

“Hm,” Joker mused, “it seems I’ll need some unorthodox methods…”

The Joker leaped up and away from his assailants, grabbed onto one of the Panther’s bedposts, and retrieved a cigarette lighter…

* * *

“Hello there, Joker.” The Oracle, Queen’s tech specialist, greeted him with a friendly smile and a swift turn of the head that spun her long, untamed, orange hair about in a wide, sweeping arc. “Here to get your mission equipment?”

“Indeed,” Akira said, smiling at Oracle. She was a beautiful and intelligent woman, perhaps even more so than any he had encountered on his missions— but Queen had a strict policy against relations with co-workers. Not dispensing with his smile nonetheless, he got straight down to business.

“What’s this?” He stared curiously at the cigarette lighter that the Oracle had left sitting upon her workbench.

“This looks like an ordinary cigarette lighter,” Oracle told him, snickering, “but it’s really a mass taser. A shock bomb, if you will. When you’re outnumbered, just turn on this baby, throw it, and they’ll all go night-night!”

Akira looked at it carefully, examining it from all angles. “Interesting. What if I try to light a cigarette with it?”

Oracle looked at him dubiously. “I wouldn’t recommend that.”

* * *

“Whatever are you doing with that, Joker? This is no time to stop for a smoke!”

“No, perhaps it’s not,” Akira agreed. “But perhaps you’d like one, Miss Panther? After all, I’m sure you’d enjoy relaxing while you observe my untimely demise…”

“Much as I’d love to, I haven’t got a cigarette!”

“Oh, you shan’t need one!” Akira clicked the lighter and tossed it down from the bedpost. “Catch, girls!”

No one caught it. The gadget landed on the floor and began to hum. The Panther’s girls all looked at it curiously.

The Panther, however, immediately understood, and leaped backwards out of its range, avoiding the effects of the shock.

The knife-wielding, lingerie-wearing girls all instantly collapsed.

“Enjoy your beauty sleep, ladies!” Akira carefully kicked the pile of unconscious bodies out of his way as he descended from the bedpost. “Now, Miss Panther…” He pulled out his gun. “I’d like information on your beneficiaries, if you please.”

“My beneficiaries?”

“Precisely. I want to know who killed Goro Akechi.”

The Panther laughed…

“What’s so funny?”

“I can’t imagine intelligence regarding my associates will prove useful to a dead man walking!”

Akira was baffled. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve been… poisoned…” the Panther giggled. “Poisoned… by my…” The giggle turned to a laugh, then a cackle.

“What?!” Akira lurched over, as pain permeated his stomach.

“That’s right, Mr. Kurusu! I gave you my special treat… my  _ poison kiss!” _

_ Of course! How didn’t I see it? That’s why she took care to not let the lipstick enter her mouth! _

_ I can’t die… I can’t die like… Like he did… _

He aimed his gun with determination. “Give me an antidote! Now!”

“My kiss works its charms quickly, Mr. Kurusu… but not too quickly. I’ll get to see you suffer— knowing that there’s nothing you can do to stop what is coming!”

“And what is coming?” Akira inquired, as he buckled over, still leveling his gun at Panther’s head. “Miss Panther?”

“Oh, that shall not concern you…” She began to saunter away theatrically. “You’ll be dead soon enough. I’ll have my girls clean you up— once they recover from the unpleasant shock you’ve given them!”

Akira held out his gun, his finger hesitantly poised on the trigger, pointing at the Panther…

“Give me…” he gasped, “an antidote… or…”

“Or else  _ what? _ Are you going to kill me? Such a pretty dame like myself?”

“No. I’ll kill  _ your makeup!” _ Akira fired at the Panther’s makeup table. Instantly, a load of makeup supplies and chemicals spilled out onto the floor.

_ “NOOO! MY CUSTOMIZED EYELINER!!!” _

“Oh, your eyeliner won’t be the worst of it…” Akira spat on one of the girls’ face. “Miss Panther, what would you do to save the good looks of your  _ foxy _ subordinates?”

“PLEASE DON’T HURT MY GIRLS!  _ PLEASE!” _

“The antidote.”

_ “NO! I’ll die before—” _

“Then I’ll take you with me,” Akira took the Panther by the waist and merged their tongue and lips together.

She gagged, and shoved him to the floor in surprise. “Mr. Kurusu! That’s no way to kiss a lady!”

“No… but the tongue is an excellent method by which to cross-contaminate, is it not?”

The Panther gasped as she grasped what he’d done. “You fool! I only have one dose! Now we’re both dead!”

“We’ll have to share it, won’t we?”

The Panther scowled. “You can’t be serious…”

“Oh, but I am…” Akira smiled weakly, as his face turned red from the poison. “How about you show me that antidote?”

“You monster…!” The Panther pulled out a syringe, filled with a small red liquid. “Fine!” She squirted the contents into her mouth, and kissed Akira for a third time.

Instantly, the redness in his face dissipated. He stood up and casually dusted off his sleeves.

“Thank you kindly. Now, please tell me the identities of your associates?” He raised his gun once more. “I’d rather not make this difficult.”

“The Fox!” The Panther spoke at a frantic, panicked pace. “The Fox and the Empress!”

“Fox? Empress?”

“No one knows their real names! The Empress is shrouded in mystery, and all I can tell you about the Fox is… he’s a painter! Dozens have tried to imitate his style, but… no one understands it! The paint he uses…”

“Paint?”

“No one knows! They’re planning something… the Empress… I don’t know! I just give them money!” The Panther looked downwards, tears streaming from her terrified face. “You’ve beat me! Please go!”

Satisfied, Akira lowered his weapon and turned around.

“You’re not… going to kill me?”

Akira chuckled slyly.

“Miss Panther, I don’t think you’re well-suited to the supervillain business,” he advised, pocketing his gun. “You should consider returning to acting. What’s your real name?”

“My real name… I don’t remember the last time I used it.” The Panther smiled gratefully. “Ann Windsor. It’s been a pleasure to meet a gentleman like you— Mr. Kurusu.”

Akira grinned. “I hope to see you on the stage someday soon— Miss Windsor.”

* * *

_ “So you escaped the Panther?” _

“Yes, Queen,” Akira boasted, now sitting comfortably in the posh leather seat of his spy jet. “I made a rather impressive escape. There was lots of kissing.”

On the monitor, Queen appeared displeased.  _ “This is a mission, Joker. You haven’t the time to fool around.” _

“I’m afraid it was unavoidable,” Akira said matter-of-factly, with a suave smile. “Rather difficult to explain.”

Queen sighed.  _ “You’re such an erratic agent, Joker. Whatever am I going to do with you?” _

_ “Whoa!” _ Skull shouted, coming in behind,  _ “Joker kissed some hot chicks? Damn!” _

Queen turned in Skull’s direction and shot him an annoyed look.

_ “By the way, something WEIRD is goin’ on at Big Bang Burger! I was there today to get a burger, and they don’t have their regular menu anymore! Trying to make us eat a bunch of vegetables! Lame! I went to Wild-Duck instead.” _

_ “How’s that relevant, Skull?!” _ Queen shouted at him, before turning back to Akira.  _ “In any case, I assume you’ve received Oracle’s intel on the Fox.” _

“Yep…” Akira looked out the window of the jet, smiling. “En route to his bigass evil lair now.”

_ “Do not refer to it so lightly, Joker. It is an impeccably secured fortress. No one who has entered has ever come out. It will not be easily breached.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ann's a tropey femme fatale, which, works with her character and all. I'm sure you recall the encounter with the lazy fuckboi politician in Shido's Palace, in which Ann uses the name "Ann Windsor" in posing as a rich Englishwoman. Considering Ann's partially foreign origins, I thought it would work quite well if this version of Ann were genuinely and fully foreign, and, y'know, British, and rich, and stuff... except obviously wealth does not equal happiness.
> 
> Ann is more of a faux supervillainess than the other characters, naturally- I wanted to convey that she has little desire for actual villainy, and is more of [a pawn of the Empress,](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PunchClockVillain) just kind of doing "evil" because she's got little better to do and wants to improve her standing in the aristocracy.


	2. The Madness of the Fox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fox in this story is basically my interpretation of if Yusuke were Dr. No.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may find the chapter art at this link: https://66.media.tumblr.com/669859a739c1101c12bd182d697c48ac/tumblr_inline_pbetjidy1G1sg4dya_540.png

It was easily breached.

“Ha!” Akira chuckled, as the guards collapsed from the shock bomb he had tossed down the plain underground marble hallway, decorated with many gruesomely styled paintings. “All these evil lairs, all the damn same… mercenaries, lasers, tripwires… Goro and I used to knock stuff like that out in our sleep.”

_ “Oh, so you did? How… curious.” _

“Ah, who’s this?” Akira looked about curiously for the voice’s source. “I’ll have a guess that you’d be the Fox!”

_ “Correct.” _ The voice was deep, pleasant and cold.  _ “I am the great painter known as the Fox. And you are?” _

“Kurusu. Akira Kurusu. They call me ‘Joker.’”

_ “Ah, yes. Of you, I have heard. Mr. Kurusu, what is your opinion of my paintings?” _

Akira took a good look at them. They were all various shades of red and blue, and depicted many rather…  _ twisted… _ images…

“They don’t quite align with my spoiled Japanese sensibilities, I’m afraid. But they  _ are _ terrific artworks!” Akira observed one of them with a curious eye, assuming a thinking pose.

_ “Would you like to know how I made such unique creations… Joker?” _

“Oh, yes, indeed! I would love to be given an insider’s look into the workings of your creative process!”

_ “Marvelous. Please follow Morgana.” _

“Morgana? Who’s she?”

“Meow!”

Akira looked down the hall in the direction of the sound to see a black-and-white cat looking at him expectantly.

_ “HE is my cat,” _ the Fox said, annoyed at Akira’s mistaking the feline’s gender.  _ “He will be your guide.” _

“Aw, what a handsome devil!” Akira turned and trotted after Morgana. “I’ll gladly follow him!”

_ “Very good, Mr. Kurusu. Please do not lose sight of him.” _

Morgana walked on for a good long time, leading Akira down a series of increasingly dark halls. The paintings grew more and more grotesque as they went…

And then Morgana turned a corner, around one particularly disturbing depiction, of a man drowning in a red vat of… something. His face was twisted and distorted into…

Akira looked around the corner, where Morgana had…

“Pardon, Mr. Fox?”

_ “Yes?” _

“I’ve lost sight of Morgana.”

_ “Oh, how disappointing. That means that you’ve either failed… or reached my gallery’s end. Whatever the case, the result is the same…” _

**SMACK!**

Akira did not see it coming.

* * *

When Akira awakened, he was upside down… looking into…

“What… the hell?”

“Ah, so you’ve come to, Mr. Kurusu,” the Fox’s pleasant voice said. “Fantastic. Now we can begin the creation of my masterpiece!”

Akira’s vision cleared, and he saw the Fox’s face for the first time.

He was a tall man with short blue hair, who wore a menacing white coat and black gloves, which were stained with red… paint? It was, at least, only what Akira assumed to be red paint…

“What is this?” Akira demanded, as he struggled against the ropes in which he was tied. “Where am I?! What are you doing?”

“You wanted to know the secrets behind my artistic genius, correct?” The Fox grinned devilishly. “Well, Mr. Kurusu… I shall tell you. I do not use ordinary paints! I use the most organic and fresh sources of color possible… with a bit of preservatives and coloring, to be sure, but it is mostly untainted.”

“What… are you…” Akira looked around the vast, dimly lit chamber, whose walls bore more macabre paintings. On the floors, there were many large, open paints cans, of… of…

“There is a reason no one ever comes out of my lovely museum, Mr. Kurusu. It is because they have all remained inside, affixed to my walls. Granted the honor of being hung in my galleries… and you,  _ Joker, _ shall be the latest such addition.”

“You use… you paint with…” Akira gasped, realizing the full extent of the Fox’s insanity. “How… sick… are you?!”

“Oh, Mr, Kurusu, I am not sick! I am but a brilliant genius!” The Fox laughed with the sort of pure, unbridled passion that was known only to mad artists. “And the sales of my paintings have made the Empress much money… to further her scheme! Soon… your silly home country of Japan, and the world, will know what it means to succumb to great power!”

“And what kind of great power… is this?”

“That shall not concern you!” the Fox declared. “Now… let us begin the creation of my greatest masterpiece yet! Come, Morgana!”

“MEOW!”

Morgana innocently bounded over to the controls, and began to operate them. Akira looked at the cat, which the Fox stroked, appearing to experience a terrific catharsis from touching the fur…

“Yes, Morgana… pull that lever! Like that! Lower the Joker into the paint!”

Morgana turned his head slightly to look back at Akira…

He could have sworn the cat looked…  _ sad. _

“Turn around, Morgana! Ignore him!” Fox slapped the cat, and Morgana abruptly turned away from Akira.

There was only one hope. If he could reach it…  _ it… _ the… the watch…

* * *

“And what’s this watch do?”

“Oh, that?” Oracle grinned. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask that! A spy watch is totally a must in any agent’s toolkit. This particular watch sends a signal of my own design which disrupts the brainwaves of most ordinary mammals! Well, except humans. It’ll make them ignore any orders from their masters, and listen to you instead! Per Queen’s request, I also equipped it with a GPS tracker… but never mind that!” She clapped her hands excitedly. “What’s more, it hasn’t been tested! You’ll be the first one trying this baby out!”

Akira regarded it with great skepticism. “How will this be useful?”

“What, you’ve never had to deal with a villain who tossed you in a pit full of lions or something once or twice?”

“Nope.”

“Well, this is what that’s for if it does happen. But it’s, uh, in beta… so… it could save you, or the animal could just go berserk and kill you. I’d only use it in an absolute emergency— or if you trust the animal.”

“What does that mean?”

“Just… just use your instincts, okay?!” Oracle shook her head in playful dismission. “Enough questions! Just remember.” She gave Akira an encouraging smile. “I trust you.”

* * *

Akira reached for the watch’s button…  _ come on… come on… come on! _ His fingers closed around it, and…

_ YES! Please, Morgana… trust me… _

Morgana suddenly halted, and turned to face Fox.

The ropes which bound Akira ceased their movements.

“Morgana! What are you doing? Lower the Joker! Kill him!”

Morgana looked at Akira…

And Akira gave him the thumbs up.

“Get him!”

Morgana leaped upwards and latched his claws onto the Fox’s face.

The Fox yelled in disbelief. “What? How can this be?! I trained you perfectly to obey me!”

“What a  _ prepawsterous _ turn of events!” Akira called out. “Sorry to spoil your masterpiece, Fox, but you’d best release me and tell me about this Empress’s plan, before your cat claws you to death!”

“Release you…” Fox furiously bumbled around like an idiot for a few moments, before tearing Morgana off his face and rushing to the controls himself. “Oh, Joker…  _ I’ll certainly release you!” _ He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pocket knife, which he then threw upwards.

The ropes came apart, and Akira began to fall. But he quickly spun himself upright, and placed his foot on the edge of the paint can. After pulling off this brilliant balancing act, he leapt down, not a scratch on him.

“What?!” Fox gaped at Akira’s elegant escape. “But how?!”

“Didn’t you know? I am a master at untying knots.” Akira indicated the controls. “Time to paint this place red, Morgana!”

Morgana leaped onto the controls and pushed a few levels. Paint descended into the giant can. Fox was instantly alarmed.

“WHAT?! But— NO!”

The alarms started to ring.

_ “NOOOO!!! _ You can’t! You can’t drown my paintings!  _ MY MASTERPIECES!” _

“I’ll make Morgana stop, if you tell me what I want to know about the Empress!”

“The Empress? She… I don’t know!” Fox screamed. “Her intent is to somehow topple the establishment, to make way for new power! She… she’ll kill me!”

“Where is she?!” demanded Akira.

“S-sh-she’s in… Japan!”

“Japan?!”

The bucket began to fill even more, and the blood paint started to pour out…

“Please, please don’t drown my masterpieces!  _ PLEASE!” _

“Morgana, let’s go! We’re going back to Japan!”

“MEOW!”

The paint began to flood the room, as Akira and Morgana fled. Meanwhile, the Fox looked onto his paintings, distraught, as they were soaked in pure red…

_ “NOOOOOO!!!” _

* * *

_ “What’s with this cat?” _

“His name’s Morgana. He’s my friend now!” Akira held him up to the camera. “Ain’t he handsome?”

_ “He’s furry. I thought I made it perfectly clear pets weren’t allowed on missions.” _

“I’ll have you know he saved my life! Furry or not, he’s a valuable asset!”

Queen groaned in exasperation.  _ “You’re such a handful, Joker. Fine. Keep the cat. See if I care.” _

_ “Whoa, a cat?!” _ Skull suddenly burst into the frame, looking excited.  _ “Joker, when you get back to HQ, you gotta let me pet him! Deal?” _

Akira nodded. “Deal.”

_ “Go away, Skull!” _ Queen shouted.  _ “Joker and I are discussing important business! The Fox has been taken out, correct?” _

“Yep, he got repainted! And Morgana showed me his files! I know exactly where to find the Empress now.”

_ “And where is that?” _

“Just another evil lair.” Akira rolled his eyes. “These supervillains sure love their evil lairs.”

_ “Joker, do not fail. It’s likely the state of the entire country is riding on the success of this mission. If the Empress’s plan succeeds, I am certain it will cause widespread national panic.” _

“Yeah, no problem!”

Morgana meowed and waved his paw.

_ “Now get going before I change my mind about that cat.” _

* * *

It was a large, luxurious room, equipped with many articles of antique furniture, and a flat-screen TV. At one end of the room sat a shady-looking middle-aged businessman with messy gray hair. At the other, a gentle-faced, fluffy-haired noblewoman. A small intercom receiver was affixed to the wall behind her.

“So, Okumura-san, what do you think of my offer?”

“Oh, dear, Tanaka-kun, I’m ever so grateful… but I don’t know if I could!” Okumura giggled childishly, smiling at Tanaka. “You’ve sponsored Wild-Duck Burger, and they’ve not changed their ways. I don’t know if I can partner with a man who would sanction such a terribly unhealthy place as that!”

“Well,” Tanaka explained, “Since you’ve turned Big Bang Burger into a health food franchise, I don’t believe that you’d be a viable competitor to Wild-Duck any longer. You’re targeting two different… uh…” He looked up nervously, to see Okumura rising from her chair.

“Uh… demographics…”

Okumura’s fluffy hair bounced beneath her feathered hat, and she smiled wickedly.

“Oh, my goodness! Two  _ different _ demographics?” She laughed, her cheerful voice taking on a ominous edge, and slipped on a pair of purple gloves. “Tanaka-kun, they are not different at all! Those who would eat such… such  _ revolting _ processed foods… they are simply unenlightened! You see, my aim is to crush the competition!”

Tanaka gulped, giving Okumura a nervous smile. “R-right… But, I mean… there’s not much you can do, Okumura-san! It’s not like you can kill the CEO of Wild-Duck or anything!” He laughed nervously.

Okumura joined in the laughing, and Tanaka eased up as tension in the room dissipated.

“Well, sorry to trouble you, Okumura-san, I’ll be on my…”

But Okumura was still laughing. A small sound of metal sliding against metal was heard.

Tanaka looked up, confused. “Um… isn’t that axe for decoration? What are you doing with it?”

“I’m afraid I can’t excuse your disloyalty, Tanaka-kun.”

“What?!”

“And what’s more, don’t call me Okumura-san!” she shouted, furiously. “I am your Empress—  _ LADY NOIR! _ Now  _ DIE!!!” _

Terrified, Tanaka stood and scrambled for the door, but Lady Noir gracefully stuck her axe out to trip him. He fell, and she loomed over him, smiling psychotically.

“Please! NO!  _ Don’t!!!” _

Cackling dementedly, Noir lifted her blade and swung downwards, as Tanaka screamed—

Blood flew, staining the walls and furniture. The screams stopped.

Noir licked the blade, closing her eyes as she savored the taste of blood on her tongue.  _ “Mmm…” _

After another moment licking the axe, Noir cleaned it, hung it on the wall, and activated the intercom. “Servants! Please come and take Tanaka-kun! He’ll make wonderful fertilizer for my children!”

_ “LADY NOIR! We have an intruder!” _

“WHAT?” Lady Noir shouted, now forgetting Tanaka. “Who? How?!”

_ “We don’t know! He completely destroyed our defenses! He’s slippery, too! He has black hair, glasses, a suit, and—” _

“Put him onscreen!”

The TV began to show video of the unwelcome guest fighting off Lady Noir’s forces.

“That man… he’s…” Noir’s lips curled upwards. “So he’s come.”

* * *

_ “ALERT! THERE IS AN INTRUDER IN THE MANSION! ALL FORCES, APPREHEND HIM AT ONCE! USE LETHAL FORCE IF NEEDED!” _

“Good luck with that!” Akira quipped as he single-handedly bested four of the Empress’s men in one blow.

But despite his cocky demeanor, Akira was… bothered. This place looked disturbingly familiar. It was almost…

_ Like back when Goro and I… _


	3. The Haste of the Heist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira's relationship with Goro organically emerged from the development of the story as I thought through the world, deciding that in this AU, Goro would never have had any beef with his dad, or would have had a beef and set it aside, or perhaps would have never even known that Shido was his dad. Shido does still exist in this universe, and, had I chosen to write more, would have played further into the larger arc of the world as a greater evil manipulating all the villains, perhaps along with Kaneshiro as a supporting villain, and the Persona 4 cast (plus Shiho) heading their own rival spy agency competing with agents of the Queen, but this obviously never came to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may find the chapter art by following this link: https://66.media.tumblr.com/f3665b41c8ff22a3a7118199b62904f2/tumblr_inline_pbetjrU7nK1sg4dya_540.png

The roof of the grand mansion was empty— save for a fenced off medium-sized garden with thriving baby plants, and two charming scoundrels.

“So, we open the safe, take the stash, get out. It’s that easy?”

“It should be,” Goro agreed, as he opened the case and pulled out two long pieces of rope, and his trusty lockpick. “Laser-sighted security cameras, motion detectors, heat-sensitive alarms, about twenty guards… no challenge whatsoever!” He chuckled in amusement at the triviality of such ordinary precautions. “It appears that Kunikazu Okumura has little clue how to deter seasoned master thieves.” Goro tied the ropes to the fence, and the two began rappelling down to the window.

“Well of course— he wasn’t expecting us to drop in! _ ” _ Akira smiled, pleased at Goro’s masterful analysis of the security system. “Let’s get going, then.”

“Very well.” After a moment of picking the window’s lock, it opened with a satisfying  _ click. _ Goro opened the window, and looked to Akira. “After you.”

Akira entered, dropped down to the floor, and was awed by what he saw in the entrance hall…

“This place… this place is fit for a king!”

It was enormous, well-furnished, with white marble floors and many ornate decorations. The furniture seemed rather dated, and…

“Well, would you expect any less from the CEO of Big Bang Burger?” Goro chuckled as he joined his partner in crime. “It seems you forget how accomplished we have become as thieves, Akira. Now, shall we get on with plundering Okumura’s safe?”

“By all means. You made this plan, Goro. Lead the way!”

Goro smiled, and merrily, yet stealthily, made his way across the hall. Akira followed suit.

They stopped at the entrance hall’s end, and listened. Footsteps were heard.

_ “Okumura’s asleep in his room right now, right?” _

_ “That’s right! He’s safe. His sweet daughter helped him up there!” _

_ “Good. Let’s make sure no one gets in. I’m sure you don’t have to be reminded that Okumura is quite vulnerable to attack, due to his ripe old age.” _

_ “She’s such a lovely woman, isn’t she? Y’know, I’d like to spend a night with her sometime.” _

_ “Keep your mind focused on the job, buddy.” _

_ “Right…” _ the other guard sounded annoyed.  _ “Whatever.” _

After a few moments, the guards took their positions, and began to patrol the halls, walking in opposite directions…

Akira looked to Goro, who nodded in agreement. Silent as mice, they crept towards the guards, and—

_ “AHHhhhmmmfff!” _

The master thieves wasted no time in stowing the unconscious guards in a nearby broom closet.

* * *

“This safe…” Akira was stricken with awe— even greater awe than when he had seen the mansion’s main hall. “It’s huge! It’s like… like…”

“It must be like a cave on the inside,” suggested Goro, staring at the enormous safe curiously. “To think what Okumura might have inside this… it must be worth millions. Billions. Perhaps worth more than the entire country.”

“Something that big, under such lackluster security?”

“That certainly won’t do. We’ll just have to move it to a safer place, now won’t we?”

Akira nodded eagerly. “Now why don’t we bust the damn thing open already?”

“With pleasure.” Goro turned the lock rapidly. Within a few short minutes, it clicked open. “Hm… a rather rudimentary locking mechanism. No surprise, of course, considering the ease of our challenges thus far.”

Akira smirked triumphantly. “What a senile old fool Okumura is.”

“Yes,” Goro agreed, “but the saddest part of it all,” he lamented, as he pulled the safe’s enormous door, “is that… we will never be able to get away with… it…”

The door swung open.

“Again…”

Akira gaped. “It’s…”

“Empty.” Goro cursed. “Goddamn it… it appears we’ve been played for fools.”

There was a moment of silence as the two thieves looked into the vast, vacant hole that they had come so far to reveal.

“We  _ must _ be in the right place. I can’t imagine that…” Goro looked at his notes. “No… Okumura hasn’t moved it. I’ve been watching the place for days… I’d know if he’d moved the contents elsewhere. Well…”

“We should go. It’s possible they know we’re here, if the safe is empty.”

Snapped out of thought, Goro pocketed his notes and adopted a serious, urgent expression. “You’re quite correct, Akira. Let’s make an escape at once!”

But before they could move, the lights turned on suddenly…

**_“FREEZE!”_ **

Goro gasped. “Police… crap!”

“We have to run!” Akira looked frantically for another way out.

“No… we can’t!” Goro’s eyes urgently darted about the room. “There’s no way out! Should we attempt to run, we’ll almost surely be killed!”

**_“WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!”_ **

“It can’t end here!”

Goro’s appeared regretful. “We’ve gotten too careless. It seems it has to.”

There was a beat, and the police were heard coming ever closer…

Akira reluctantly raised his hands. Goro nodded, and did the same.

The police swarmed into the room, all carrying high-caliber machine guns.

“Akira Kurusu. Goro Akechi. You’re under arrest for attempted burglary— and the murder of Kunikazu Okumura!”

“WHAT?!” Akira shouted in disbelief. “We didn’t… we wouldn’t… we couldn’t…”

“How can that be?” Goro demanded. “We’re thieves, not murderers!”

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you by Lady Sae Niijima!”

* * *

_ And then… _ Akira, his thoughts now drawn to Goro, remembered his partner’s last moments. It wasn’t in an encounter with a villain. It wasn’t even on a mission. They’d been at a hotel. Taking a well-deserved break.

He had been poisoned. There’d been no time to get help… no warning… just suddenly… he’d collapsed. Akira’s hands shook at the memory.

But that was why Akira was here. Because of Goro’s last…

Wait… he and Goro… they’d been here! That was why!

As Akira came to this realization, he hesitated, and his opponent took advantage of the opening…

**_smack..._ **

“We got him…!”

* * *

“Well, well, well…”

As Akira came to, he heard a woman cooing in his ear. Despite her warm, gentle tone, her voice carried a sinister, duplicitous edge.

“Who… are you?”

“Me? What about me? Oh, I’m more interested in you…” Akira felt a chill down his spine, wincing as he felt a moist glove lovingly stroking his chin.  _ “Joker-kun… _ oh, you’ve been such a troublesome one.”

Akira blinked as his vision cleared, and he regained his senses. He was on a rooftop, his wrists and ankles were bound to a rocket (which couldn’t be good). And… this woman. She was surrounded by plants, and carried an axe…

“What… where am I…”

“I am Lady Noir, otherwise known as the Empress. Welcome to my garden, Joker-kun!”


	4. The Empress of the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this interpretation of the Persona canon, Haru, rather than growing up friendless and shy, but nevertheless hopeful, as a result of her father's emotional neglect, instead grew up friendless, antisocial, and a cynic. Deciding to withdraw within herself rather than set out to improve the status quo, her only friends were plants, and as her life went on, her resentment of her father only grew, eventually ballooning to psychologically detrimental levels.
> 
> In my eyes, Haru's aggressive behavior in the Metaverse shows that such potential to become damaged was always there- as it is in all of us. As the Persona series in general so clearly demonstrates, people are multifaceted, complex beings, and I wished to reflect this alternate facet of her in this alternate version of her character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a universe where I still wanted to write this stuff, I might have tried my hand at fleshing out this universe by way of a standalone story from Haru's point of view, telling this story with deeper nuance and emotion, and making her more sympathetic than she appears in this narrative.
> 
> Pieces of her, specifically the nature of her motives, were also partially inspired by Poppy Adams, the villain of the second Kingsman film, and I'd liken her backstory somewhat to that of JD from Heathers (still and forever my favorite movie of all time) with the obvious exception that JD does not... you'll see.
> 
> The chapter art may be seen here: https://66.media.tumblr.com/de92bfe6d49df73ca6fe70c7fcbf6d7c/tumblr_inline_pbetk2OfU81sg4dya_540.png

“The Empress?” Akira looked at the woman skeptically. “You’re… _you’re_ the one behind this? A woman wearing a silly hat?”

Lady Noir, angered, swung her axe towards Akira, narrowly missing him. He instinctively moved his head, as much as he could while bound as he was, and flinched.

“Don’t you insult my lovely hat again!” Noir warned, waving a finger reproachfully at Akira, as if a mother telling off her child. “My axe doesn’t usually miss so easily!”

As Akira’s dizziness faded, Lady Noir stepped back, allowing him a clearer view. She was a rather tall woman of an elegant figure. She wore a shiny black and purple coat, a pair of violet-colored stockings, and obsidian heels— all splattered in blood. On her head, her hat— ridiculously old-fashioned, and accessorized with a feather.

In one hand, she held her axe, and in the other, lovingly cradled a potted plant. Behind her was a large rooftop garden, full of growing vegetable plants. A disembodied arm wearing the sleeve of a cheap suit stuck out from a bag of “fertilizer” sitting in the corner.

“You?!” Akira couldn’t help being stunned— he recognized this woman. He’d seen her on TV, acting so nice and pleasant in interviews, not at all like the many other visibly psychotic supervillains he’d encountered in the past. To think she would do something like this…?!

“Okumura… Haru Okumura?!”

“My— using my name so thoughtlessly! You’re as careless as your friend was!” Noir/Okumura commented. “Getting rid of him was child’s play!”

_Friend… wait…_

_Is she serious?! I’m looking at the one who…!_

“You…” Akira gasped at Lady Noir. “You killed my friend?!”

“Oh, Joker-kun, don’t go making such assumptions! He only died because of his poor choices in diet!” Noir laughed. “After your escape, I couldn’t have you two potentially exposing me! And don’t even get me started on what that could have done to my employer!”

“Your… employer?”

“Oh, he shan’t matter!” Noir waved her hand dismissively. “Seeing as I’m soon to kill you, of course!”

Akira gritted his teeth. _She can’t be working for someone! She must be lying! Just trying to shake me…_

“And what of Kunikazu Okumura?” he demanded, hesitantly, not certain he wanted to hear the answer. “Who framed me and Goro Akechi for his murder?”

Lady Noir grinned beautifully, and pulled out a small knife, stained with dried blood.

Akira’s eyes widened. “You can’t have…”

“But I did,” Noir giggled. “Yes… I ended my miserable father’s life… with this very knife! I crept up on him from behind— he never saw me coming! Called out my name, crying for help as I drove the blade into his heart… _HAHAHAHAHA!!!”_ She cackled, relishing the memory. “It’s so funny! It had nothing to do with you, Joker-kun! I was only trying to get him out of the way! And you and poor dear Akechi-kun just happened to drop by— so conveniently! All so simple!”

Lady Noir laughed further for a good, long, time.

Akira couldn’t believe it. “Y-You killed your own father?! Why? Why would you do such a thing?!”

“Simple answer. Vegetables!”

“…Vegetables?”

“Are you aware, that my father was responsible for such a disgusting establishment as Big Bang Burger? Restaurants which eschewed natural foods, in favor of revolting processed goods. But I prefer _organic!”_ Noir smiled with a most wicked, twisted glee. “And my employer, should our plan succeed, promises to outlaw such false food— and thus, forcing more people to eat my delicious, nutritious vegetables! You know nothing, Joker! My vegetables will _save the world!”_

“But… but… that’s impossible! Big Bang Burger’s competitors won’t stand for that!”

“Oh, of course, dear! That’s why I’m going to axe them too!”

“What?! But… you can’t! Those people have families!” Akira gritted his teeth in fury. “You’re nothing but a mad axe murderer! You can’t be human, Noir!”

“Oh, don’t be silly, dearie! I assure you I am as human as they come, _Joker-kun!”_

“You won’t get away with it! Even if you kill me, the Queen is bound to take notice! She’ll send my colleague Skull to stop you next!”

Akira was well aware, of course, that Skull would almost certainly screw everything up, and Queen would only send him if all other options were exhausted.

“Oh, Joker-kun…” Noir giggled childishly. “What do you think this rocket is for?”

“What…?” Realizing what she meant, Akira gasped. “No… you can’t be… the location is—!”

“It really wasn’t terribly difficult!” Grinning like Christmas had come early, she pulled a watch out of her pocket. Akira’s spy watch.

_“NO—!”_

“What spy agency doesn’t put a tracker on their agents?” Noir laughed. “All I had to do was retrace the signal! And with that—” she pulled out her cell phone and held it up for Akira to see. It displayed a timer reading 3:13. “Child’s play!”

Akira struggled even more frantically, to no avail. “You can’t do this!”

“Oh, but I can! Your precious Queen’s organization will be blown to smithereens!” Noir cackled, tapping her phone and starting the countdown. “Three minutes, Joker-kun! I’ll launch this rocket away, and you shall suffocate painfully in the atmosphere! With this pesky Queen gone, I will reign over the food industry— me, and my lovely baby vegetables! Ohhh, it’ll be ever so wonderful!”

Noir, pocketing her phone, strolled off merrily, set down the potted plant a safe distance away, and proceeded to stroke it warmly as she spoke in a happy singsong voice. “There, there, don’t worry! Mother will feed you soon!”

“No… NO! I won’t… I won’t let any more of my allies die! Queen… Skull… Oracle!”

Suddenly growing quiet, he chuckled bitterly. _I never got to tell Oracle…_

* * *

“Oracle, are these dangerous to put on my face?”

“What, the glasses? Well, I suppose they could be… if you’re an idiot!”

Akira scowled. “I am _not—”_

“Take a chill pill, it’s only an if.” Oracle smiled playfully. “Look, these glasses— I won’t explain how they work, all right? They are dangerous. They’re a last resort. You _only_ use these if it’s Game Over, you got it?”

“Game Over. Right.” Akira put on the glasses. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

* * *

Oracle happily hummed to herself, quietly tinkering with her wide assortment gadgets and whizbangs that filled her very disorganized laboratory. She grinned, thinking of how well Joker must be doing, assisted by her cool new tools.

“Hope nothing blew up in his face…”

Just as she was pondering this, a small alarm went off. Oracle quickly dropped her tools and rushed to her computer monitor.

“Oh, speak of the devil… gotten himself in trouble again, huh?” She grinned, pulled out her phone, and dialed a number. “Guess we’re about to have some fun!”

* * *

Oh, how the world’s most profitable fast food franchise had fallen.

An empty dining area, and a nearly empty menu, save for some lucrative salad choices. One man at the counter, and one dissatisfied customer. The latter, yelling a whole lot at the former.

“The hell?!” Skull was thoroughly irritated. “I thought it was just that one Big Bang Burger place! And now you’re telling me—”

“We can’t help you!” The clerk said apologetically. “Sorry, but we’re not allowed to serve burgers anymore! No Big Bang Burger location is! The company’s undertaken a health food initiative, so we’re mandated to only offer vegetable foods!”

“Then why the hell’s the place even still called Burger?!” Grumbling, Skull turned away to leave the otherwise thoroughly empty fast food franchise establishment. “Whatever!”

As Skull was approaching the door, his phone rang. He pulled it out and looked at it curiously.

“Huh? What’s Oracle want?”

After a beat, he answered the phone. “Yeah, Skull here.”

 _“Hey, Skull?!”_ Oracle’s eternally enthused voice came from the other end. _“Bit of an emergency. I need you back at base right now!”_

“Oh, yeah?” Skull walked to the corner, trying to keep his voice down. “What’s up?”

 _“Joker’s in trouble!”_ Oracle giggled mischievously. _“Looks like it’s time for us to save the day!”_

“What? What the hell happened?”

_“I don’t know, but—”_

_“What’s going on here?!”_

_“Oh! Queen, uh— Joker—”_

_“...”_

There was a solid beat of silence on the line.

 _“I see,”_ Queen mused, in her usual humorless, detached tone. _“Very well. Skull, wait for us to collect you at your current position. We’re going to execute a rescue.”_

“Yes, Queen!”

Skull hung up his phone and made to exit the Big Bang Burger, trying to look super cool in the process. But as he did so, he neglected to look where he was going, and bumped into a very large man.

“Skull, huh?” The man, who wore a cool looking suit and had a gun attached to his belt, gave Skull a menacing glare. “And taking orders from a ‘Queen…’ our employer is very interested in certain people going by those names. May we have a word?”

Skull shrugged sheepishly. “No can do, dude. In a bit of a hurry.” He made to leave, but found himself again bumping into something.

This time, it was the barrel of a gun, held by another very large guy. In a group of other large guys.

“May we _please…_ have a word… Agent Skull?”

It was evident that there’d be no easy way out of this situation. Skull sighed, whisked off his tie, and held up a hamfisted fist.

“Jeez, I don’t got time for this…”

* * *

_Game Over…_

“Looks like a Game Over to me,” Akira muttered. “But I can’t get to them…”

The knots were even tougher than those he’d conquered in the Fox’s lair.

_Meow…_

A cat meowing…

Was it his imagination?

“Is that a finicky feline I hear?” Noir wondered aloud, tearing her attention away from the countdown to look around a moment. “My, that won’t do! Oh, well, I’ll have to find it later.”

Without turning his head, Akira moved his eyes to see…

“Meow…”

“Morgana!” he hissed out of the corner of his mouth. “Quiet!”

Morgana nodded, and, arching his back, extended his claws and began to scratch.

 _Oh, Morgana,_ Akira thought, _stealing you from that artist was the best choice I ever made._

The ropes were soon loose enough that Akira’s left arm was free, and he nodded to Morgana.

Morgana fearlessly dashed at Lady Noir, while Akira discreetly lifted his hands.

“Mrrrow!” Morgana hissed, jumping up and assaulting Noir’s fluffy hair.

“What?!” Noir gasped. “Oh goodness! You’re that Fox’s cat! So you’ve betrayed him?” She pulled Morgana off of her hair, then retrieved her knife, making a fake sad baby face. “Oh my, you’re so cute! I do hate to dismember innocent little kitties… but alas…”

**_BOOM!_ **

“What?!” Noir, forgetting Morgana, slowly turned her head, not quite believing her ears. After making the turn, she didn’t seem to believe her eyes, either. “No… no! My babies!”

A good portion of the garden had been decimated by the explosion. When the smoke cleared away, it became clear that Akira was no longer tied to the rocket.

“Not very ladylike, Lady Noir!” he said, placing a hand on Noir’s shoulder. “I’m afraid I’ll have to have a word with the SPCA.”

“Joker… kun…” She dropped both Morgana and the knife, her hands shaking, her face livid. “HOW?!”

“Ah, well, I’m a master at untying knots of course! And Morgana is a master at scratching them! And my good friend, Oracle, is a master…” He indicated where his glasses had previously been stationed. “Of blowing shit up. Which means, I now have the upper hand.”

Noir looked horrified. “No… no, no, you’ve undone me!” she cried. “My plans are _ruined!”_

Akira chuckled. It was almost too easy. He held out his palm. “Your cell phone, if you please.”

Noir slowly handed it over, and Akira opened the app and stopped the timer. There was a loud _whirrrr_ noise, as the rocket powered down.

“I respectfully request that you surrender yourself, Empress. I now place you under arrest, on behalf of the Queen!”

“Oh, how ludicrous…” Noir chuckled. “Well, if you must, then…” She held out her hand to Akira. “Very well… I…”

Akira offered his hand as well, until—

“OW!”

Feeling a great pain below the waist, Akira looked down, to find Noir’s rock solid knee lodged between his legs.

“Oh, Joker-kun… you thought I was above such dirty moves?”

She stepped back, and Akira lost his balance, looking rather klutzy in the process. He made a move to stop her, but Noir grabbed her axe. “Since you’ve seen the real me, I’m afraid I’ve still got to kill you, to avenge my children! Also, letting you live would be terrible for Okumura Foods’ PR. Ahahaha!” She raised her axe above Akira’s head. _“TIME TO DIE!”_


	5. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This ending was greatly overhauled late in the story's development, to the point that it warranted additional art, but no such art was ever created, and, most likely, no such art ever will be created. I did this rewrite, after considering that Ryuji, Futaba, and Makoto, had initially done very little to play into the ending of the story, so I rewrote the third act to allow for them to have a bigger role.
> 
> You will likely not be happy with the open ending of this chapter, as I obviously do not intend to follow this up. But then again, maybe that's alright. [It's an okay note to go out on.](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ANDTHEADVENTURECONTINUES)

Skull sighed, checking the time on his spy watch as he strolled towards Big Bang Burger’s exit. “Geez, what a frickin’ pain in the ass…”

Leaving behind the many unconscious bodies of Okumura security, he flipped the sign on the front door to CLOSED, and stepped outside. As he began to make his way further down the street, he heard the sound of spinning blades—

“A helicopter?” He reached inside his suit for his gun. “Damn, don’t they have better things to do?!” He leveled the barrel towards the sky.

“Skull!”

“Yep, that’s me—” Recognizing the voice, he stopped cold, and lowered his gun. “Queen?”

_ “SKULL!!!” _ Queen stuck her head out the window of the helicopter. “What the hell are you doing fooling around down there, you idiot?!”

“I was just getting a burger!” Skull yelled back, stowing his weapon. “Kinda got a bit more than that… oh, jeez, now I’m just hungrier!” He looked up, perplexed. “Hell’s with the helicopter? Ain’t that gonna attract attention?”

“Get on!” A ladder dropped down. “And hurry, before more of Okumura’s forces show up!”

Skull grabbed the end of the ladder and started climbing. Once he got to the top, he climbed inside the helicopter, and turned to look around. “Hey, Queen—” then he looked to the cockpit, and his eyes widened. “Oracle?! You can fly a helicopter?”

“I have a lot of hidden talents,” Oracle answered with a snicker.

“Right…” Skull decided not to ask why this had never come up. “So what’s goin’ on, anyways? And the hell’s it got to do with Big Bang Burger?”

“Haru Okumura,” Queen stated bluntly, as the helicopter began moving again, “is none other than the elusive Empress Joker has been seeking.”

Skull’s face was blank.

…

…

…

_ “WHAT THE EFF?!!!” _

* * *

Akira leaped out of the way, narrowly dodging Noir’s axe blade. Remembering his gun, he pulled it out— but she swung her axe vertically, cleanly chopping off the barrel and thus rendering it useless. Making a mental note not to touch that blade, Akira threw away his gun and reverted again to a defensive strategy, evading at every turn.

“You thought I’d be weak like my incompetent subordinates?!” Noir cackled, relaxing a little as she effortlessly juggled her huge axe. “Just another cliche spy movie mastermind who hides behind dozens and dozens of henchmen? Well, you were mistaken, dearie!” She scowled at him. “I’ll dismember you myself, and feed you piece by piece to my plants!”

“That sounds quite gratuitous and unnecessary,” Akira commented, somersaulting backwards out of reach, “when you could just buy fertilizer from a store. Anyway, I’ll defeat you, so you’d be better off surrendering.”

_ “I WILL NOT!” _ Noir shrieked, grabbing her axe and swinging again, the radius much wider this time. “You killed my children!  **_YOU’RE DEAD!”_ **

Akira was too close.  _ No time to dodge! Damn it… _ He shut his eyes and braced himself.

_ “AHHHH!!! _ ” Noir screamed, dropping her axe.

Akira, surprised to not be dismembered, looked to see his ever-reliable cat clinging to Noir’s hair for dear life. She stumbled about, trying to shake him off…

Akira rushed for the axe.

After a moment, Lady Noir threw Morgana off her face, cursing both Akira and his cat. Just in time to see…

Akira, throwing her axe away. It smashed into the potted plant, before tumbling off the roof. Noir screamed in shock at witnessing the plant’s demise.

_ “NO!!!” _ She rushed forward to Akira. “I won’t let you kill any more of them!”

Akira scowled, as he took off his shirt, and tied it around his side where Noir had wounded him. “That wasn’t very fair, for a lady. So, how about we fight fair?”

“Fine!” Noir, shaking with anger, leapt at Akira. But he dodged and kicked her in the side, sending her flying backwards.

Akira tossed the cigarette lighter at her feet, but Noir avoided the shock, smoothly stepping backwards, then forwards to smash it underfoot. “Looks like I’ve destroyed your precious little static shock toy!” she laughed, crunching it to metal dust under her thick heel. “Out of tricks yet, Joker-kun?”

“I’d say not,” Akira replied coolly, smacking his lips together and pocketing a small, silver object. His lips were now a noticeably lighter shade of red…

“What are you doing?! This is no time to be attending to your appearance!”

Akira smiled snidely and beckoned.

Noir, thoroughly aggravated, again rushed at Akira, but he caught her by the waist and—

Her eyes widened as their lips touched, and he carefully maneuvered his tongue to ensure that it worked. After a brief moment, she choked, and aggressively pushed him away.

Akira smirked. “Gotcha…”

Lady Noir began to turn red…

“What…” she slowly found her voice again, and, felt her face, before looking at her hands and shrieking. “WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

“The kiss!”

“The kiss… The Panther’s Kiss!” She smiled, coming to understand. “I see! So I’m a dead woman walking.”

“Not necessarily. Surrender, and I’ll give you,” Joker dangled a red tube in the air,  _ “this.” _

For a moment, there was no reaction.

But then—

_ “Ahahahahhhh-AHAHAAHHAHAHHH!!” _

She continued laughing like mad for about fifteen seconds…

Akira looked baffled. “Do you think this is funny?”

“Quite so!” Noir kept laughing. “This is how you found me, is it not?! You made the Fox and the Panther give up, sell me out— with such  _ weak _ threats? I will not fall for such farce, Joker-kun!”

“You haven’t much time,” Akira insisted, holding the antidote up with a fierce grimace. “Your choice, Noir. Surrender to the Queen, or I shall leave you to die!”

“Ha! So you’ll kill me, not unlike how I killed your precious Crow, is that right?”

“The only person killing you is yourself, Lady Noir!”

“Oh, how  _ cruel! _ To take me from my vegetables… take a mother, from her children!” Noir cackled euphorically. “You may turn me to fertilizer, Joker-kun, but I shall warn you— you will not like the plants that grow! Soon… my employer, this…  _ distinguished man… _ will seek the end of you…  _ and your little Queen too!” _

The Empress only continued laughing and laughing, her sanity appearing to slip away as she backed up towards the hole in the roof.

“Don’t you dare!” Akira rushed forwards to grab her, but she agiley slipped out of his reach—

“Goodbye—  _ Joker-kun!” _

And then she fell.

_ “Noir!” _

Akira ran over to the hole and looked inside—

Haru Okumura’s lifeless body now lay, in a cold pool of red, on top of a safe.

“Damn you, Noir…”

He breathed hard, blowing off the exhilaration and frustration of the experience.

But then, he recognized the safe. The same safe he and Goro had almost gotten away with robbing.

He chuckled with a smile, kneeling at the edge of the hole. “Guess we pulled it off in the end, Goro…”

“Meowww!” Morgana eagerly bounded over and looked down at the safe, appearing excited by the prospects of what might lie inside. Not knowing it was empty, of course.

“Heh,” Akira mused, smiling at his cat. “I think Goro would have liked you a lot.”

“Meow…”

The sound of a helicopter tore through the air, taking Akira’s attention away from Morgana.

“Ahoy down there!” a familiar voice yelled. “Hey, I guess he didn’t need rescuing after all…”

Pleased by this greeting, Akira waved back at Skull.

“Joker!” From the cockpit, a beaming Oracle waved at him. “You’re okay!”

“Heh, course I’m okay,” Akira said, giving his usual charming grin. But then he saw Queen, and his face fell.

Her eyes were cast downwards, towards Okumura’s corpse. And she looked… irritated.

“Joker,” she said, coldly, as the helicopter floated down towards him and a ladder dropped down from above. “Get inside,  _ now.” _

Akira sighed.

“Yes, Queen.”

* * *

He picked up Morgana and began to climb.

“A dead end…” Queen muttered. “Another… dead… end.”

“What the hell are you whispering about?!” Skull demanded.

“None of your business!” she snapped.

“Oh, by the way,” Akira noted, reaching inside his pocket. “I stole Okumura’s phone…” He held it out to Queen.

“Oh. Wonderful.” Queen curtly snatched it away and handed it up to the cockpit. “Oracle, see what you can find on there about Okumura’s associates.”

“No problem!” Oracle returned to piloting the chopper. “Soon as we get back to base.”

Queen stared out the window for a few long moments.

“Skull.”

“Y-Yes, Queen?”

“You will accompany Joker on his next mission.”

“W-what?” Understandably so, considering how infrequently he was utilized, Skull looked rather astonished.

“He’ll need help for this one. And you, incompetent as you are, are all I have.” She appeared unwilling to admit this. “You, and that cat.”

Morgana meowed faithfully.

“All right! That’s ‘effin AWESOME!” Skull grinned and pumped his fists. He didn’t seem to have heard the word “incompetent.”

Akira gave Queen an odd look. “You sound like you already know what this mission is.”

“I… do. Whoever Noir was working for might just be the one behind all of this. And I have a… good idea… of who’s in his pocket.” She swallowed. “Your next target, Joker, will be the judge.”

“Wait… what? Do you mean—”

“Yes. The one who sentenced you and Crow to death.” Queen’s usually cold voice faltered, and she quivered, betraying her stoic expression. “Lady… Sae Niijima.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for (hopefully) reading my, almost, certainly, final, fanfiction. I have been wanting to share it with you for many months, and I am glad to finally have come to a conclusion permitting me to do so.
> 
> Since I was a child, I have always loved adventure stories, and the romanticized image of a dashing, adventuring superspy has enchanted me long before I was old enough to watch a single James Bond film. Persona 5 perfectly fit that desire for such exciting pulpy intrigue fiction, while filling the desire I've since developed for philosophy and commentary about a larger real world I've come to progressively give more and more of a shit about as I've grown less and less socially excluded.
> 
> Now, for the clarification of my opening disclaimer.
> 
> This story was originally written for a Persona 5 fanzine, which I started but later handed off leadership of to someone else, whom I shall not name. I gave the reins to that person because of a conflict with the other participants over how the zine would be formatted, created, and delivered to the world. The project continued with me on board, but near completion, in a moment of weakness, I lashed out against the other members of the project, causing them to lose patience, kick me out of the project, and cut ties with me altogether. I then posted this fic, with the art for it that I had participated the creation of (by the artist [Langlocke,](http://langlocke.tumblr.com/) please check him out, he is good, certainly better than me) directly embedded in the fic, but was denounced for doing so by the other members of the team, on account of the art being created by him, not me, and my not having asked his permission.
> 
> Shortly after, I published a metanarrative fic under another name parodying the ending of Avengers: Infinity War, which featured fictionalized versions of three other of the zine writers commenting on my removal from the project. These individuals filed a complaint to AO3, which resulted in an email from them requesting that I remove it, in accordance with their harassment policy. The story had not been intended as harassment towards any individual- which I felt should have been clear from my explicit expression that they were not to be represented by my characterizations of them, and lack of insults directed at them -but rather as a form of self-criticism and expression of agreement with the other writers that I had been a bad team player and exhibited poor strength of character during that project. Not wishing to foster further conflict, I simply removed that fic. I have not written any fanfiction since, because I felt disabled and unmotivated to write, fearing that I'd only get hate for my reprehensible past actions, or simply be ignored.
> 
> [The zine in question](https://crimsoncomp.tumblr.com/) is available for purchase until October 9th, and while I have not supported it owing to my own conflicted feelings, I recommend you do so if you are interested. All proceeds raised from the project will go towards the Joyful Heart Foundation, a nonprofit organization which supports sexual assault victims.
> 
> I am not associated with the zine any longer. I do not intend this story to be taken as such. I simply want to sing my swan song to my time writing fanfiction, and leave AO3, probably forever. I regret my behavior towards the others on the zine project, and do not wish it to reflect upon myself going forward. I am flawed, and damaged, like Akira, like Akechi, like Haru, and like all others, real and fictional, I am only human. I only love good stories and beautiful arts, I love to tell them, to show them, to consume them. It is only my desire to share that love through my work.
> 
> I despise the largely antagonistic nature of the internet (we don't fucking deserve Kelly Marie Tran OR Star Wars at all, seriously). I do not wish to antagonize the other writers or artists of the zine, Langlocke, or the AO3 staff. Should I receive any second email from any of these parties asking me to remove this fic or any elements of it, I shall immediately comply, because I do not wish to foster conflict. I have done everything I can up to this point to fulfill my desire to share this beautiful story while avoiding conflict with any other external force.
> 
> Currently I am focusing on my education and personal growth, and in the future I intend to share my love for art through voicing my humble opinions and feelings on my Twitter page, and hopefully going forward, through media analysis blog posts and/or YouTube videos. I have no set date for any future projects, but to stay up to date on however I choose to utilize my talents and passions, you may [follow my Twitter here.](https://twitter.com/josiah_stick)
> 
> I hope to see you again. Please always be kind. The world needs it.


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